I am at peace with death. This sounds like a weird opening to my blog, but it's the truth. Tomorrow is December 21st, 2012 and the whole "world-ending" thing will finally be revealed to be true or false. Like I said, I'm at peace with whatever happens. If we die, okay. If we don't, okay.
Right now, my life is in a transition from depression #5 million to happiness again. I've been through so much in my life and whenever I'm happy, something usually happens to bring me down again. It's gotten to the point where I'm used to being in a depression and I know how things are going to go down by heart. I know what I need to do to escape my negative thoughts, but it gets harder and harder to come out of my depression.
Sometimes, I wonder if it would be better off had I never been born. I'm not saying that I'd be better off dead, since I don't think I'd ever attempt suicide again, however, had I never been born, maybe people wouldn't have to deal with my shit and wouldn't have to put up with me. Basically, my depressions always come from love problems. I keep trying, but clearly Kap's not the place for me. Now that I've tried them all (LOL).
I now always have itty-bitty crushes on cute guys. This one was different. They usually run away, but this guy was nice... too nice. Well my crush kinda grew. He's straight so I know that nothing would ever happen. I'm not stupid. I'm just desperate LOL. Well, he's moving away soon and I'm basically losing the one guy friend I've had who didn't run away or made fun of me for being gay. So I'm really sad that he's leaving. That's basically what made me fall back into depression this time.
The more I think about it, the more at peace I am with death. Well that's it for this rant. Don't know when my next blog will be posted, but keep looking as I am quite emotional as of late.
Love,
Eric
Thursday, 20 December 2012
Sunday, 22 July 2012
Letter to my friends
Well I haven't blogged in a while, but I'm back! I don't know if I'm actually back on a weekly basis, but I really have to write my thoughts on friends because I'm too shy to say these things in their faces. Some will be nice, some will be a bit rude, but don't get mad. I love you all and this isn't written to ruin any friendships. This list isn't in any particular order other than alphabetical. Everyone knows that I'm mildly OCD, so... alphabetical it is.
Dakota: Hmm... I believe that we wouldn't be friends if we would've met irl rather than online. So, I'm definitely happy that we met online. I really enjoy our talks, but I feel like you don't really need my advice/friendship anymore since we're not on the same level of acceptance in society. Your life is much easier and quite honestly, I'm jealous. That is why I seem bitchier/colder with you. I am sooo jealous of the fact that you're not looked at weirdly the second you step out of your house door.
Gen: Quite honestly, I consider you my 2nd best friend. You're great when it comes to gaming and just hanging out with. You do have strong opinions and we butt heads at times (remember the foil? hahaha), but that doesn't make me want to remove you as a friend. I believe it reinforces our bond since we get to know more about each other and stuff. Oh, and your sarcasm. O.M.G. Hilarious at times, although when it's 24/7, it gets a little old. Oh, and I'm also jealous that you can make friends so easily. *sticks tongue out* lol.
Melissa: Well, I believe that you are my best friend. I really like hanging out with you and believe that we have the same sense of humor and we just laugh all the time. I enjoy every minute that we spend together. I just wished that we would be less shy and we'd started talking like we do now a while ago since our friendship could be even more built than it is at the moment. I don't really see any negatives with our frienship at the moment, quite honestly.
Mylene: I really, really miss you! Ever since we're done with college, I feel like we never have the time to see each other and it sucks! I miss talking with you about my feelings and stuff, because you definitely had the ability to be empathetic and give me the best advice. I hope we're going to be able to talk more in the future and be able to hang out more often! Chtm!! xox
Roxanne: When we first met, I knew that we'd be awesome friends and I'm glad we sticked to it. We have a lot in common and it sucks that we don't talk more often than we do. I love that we always get a good laugh together. Maybe when the ditchers will be gone, we'll hang out more often. ;) Oh... and... I love your hair. hahahaha
Dakota: Hmm... I believe that we wouldn't be friends if we would've met irl rather than online. So, I'm definitely happy that we met online. I really enjoy our talks, but I feel like you don't really need my advice/friendship anymore since we're not on the same level of acceptance in society. Your life is much easier and quite honestly, I'm jealous. That is why I seem bitchier/colder with you. I am sooo jealous of the fact that you're not looked at weirdly the second you step out of your house door.
Gen: Quite honestly, I consider you my 2nd best friend. You're great when it comes to gaming and just hanging out with. You do have strong opinions and we butt heads at times (remember the foil? hahaha), but that doesn't make me want to remove you as a friend. I believe it reinforces our bond since we get to know more about each other and stuff. Oh, and your sarcasm. O.M.G. Hilarious at times, although when it's 24/7, it gets a little old. Oh, and I'm also jealous that you can make friends so easily. *sticks tongue out* lol.
Melissa: Well, I believe that you are my best friend. I really like hanging out with you and believe that we have the same sense of humor and we just laugh all the time. I enjoy every minute that we spend together. I just wished that we would be less shy and we'd started talking like we do now a while ago since our friendship could be even more built than it is at the moment. I don't really see any negatives with our frienship at the moment, quite honestly.
Mylene: I really, really miss you! Ever since we're done with college, I feel like we never have the time to see each other and it sucks! I miss talking with you about my feelings and stuff, because you definitely had the ability to be empathetic and give me the best advice. I hope we're going to be able to talk more in the future and be able to hang out more often! Chtm!! xox
Roxanne: When we first met, I knew that we'd be awesome friends and I'm glad we sticked to it. We have a lot in common and it sucks that we don't talk more often than we do. I love that we always get a good laugh together. Maybe when the ditchers will be gone, we'll hang out more often. ;) Oh... and... I love your hair. hahahaha
Saturday, 12 May 2012
Moving Out - May 12th 2012
Welcome to the new and improved Thinking Out Loud! Basically, I don't have time to blog daily about my days so I will now just write my weekly blogs on one single subject. They may sound like essays, but it's what blog usually are.
This week's topic will be about moving out. I'm 19, and still live with my mom. I understand that I have everything here. I don't have to pay bills or pay rent, etc. There's also the fact that I'm totally spoiled. However, I really feel like I need to be more independant rather than always depending on my mom to help me go through with my life. I think that I have been "babied" (so to speak) way too much!! I'm not saying I wasn't raised well... just overly spoiled lol.
Now that I'm in University, I have this urge to go find an apartement to live in and do whatever I want. The only negatives is that with a job at McDonald's and with my spending habit, I probably wouldn't be able to pay everything that I would need to pay and I need to understand that growing up means starting to be more responsible. I know that I'd be able to keep the house clean, but the problem would be the bills.
Something that I had thought of was to get a roommate, but that's not an easy thing. You have to know you want to be with them everyday and not get annoyed by them. I have 2 people in mind that I think I'd enjoy living with. One of them works with me at McDonald's, but she's very close with her mother and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be interested in living with me. We don't live the same lifestyle at all and there's things that she does that I don't completely agree with. The other person would probably be the best choice, however she's going out of town for school this summer and I still have a few years of school to go through before going to the same town she's going to.
Obviously the conclusion that I've come to is that I still have to wait a few years before I actually move out and find a place of my own. The liberty to decorate the way I want, and just... everything! It's definitely a topic that excites me everytime I think about it, but it's something that I'm still not ready for.
Hopefully, you come back to read my next installement,
Love,
Eric
This week's topic will be about moving out. I'm 19, and still live with my mom. I understand that I have everything here. I don't have to pay bills or pay rent, etc. There's also the fact that I'm totally spoiled. However, I really feel like I need to be more independant rather than always depending on my mom to help me go through with my life. I think that I have been "babied" (so to speak) way too much!! I'm not saying I wasn't raised well... just overly spoiled lol.
Now that I'm in University, I have this urge to go find an apartement to live in and do whatever I want. The only negatives is that with a job at McDonald's and with my spending habit, I probably wouldn't be able to pay everything that I would need to pay and I need to understand that growing up means starting to be more responsible. I know that I'd be able to keep the house clean, but the problem would be the bills.
Something that I had thought of was to get a roommate, but that's not an easy thing. You have to know you want to be with them everyday and not get annoyed by them. I have 2 people in mind that I think I'd enjoy living with. One of them works with me at McDonald's, but she's very close with her mother and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be interested in living with me. We don't live the same lifestyle at all and there's things that she does that I don't completely agree with. The other person would probably be the best choice, however she's going out of town for school this summer and I still have a few years of school to go through before going to the same town she's going to.
Obviously the conclusion that I've come to is that I still have to wait a few years before I actually move out and find a place of my own. The liberty to decorate the way I want, and just... everything! It's definitely a topic that excites me everytime I think about it, but it's something that I'm still not ready for.
Hopefully, you come back to read my next installement,
Love,
Eric
Saturday, 5 May 2012
In Charge - May 5th 2012
Sunday: Today was a nice day. I woke up late since the power was out till 1 and without electricity, I have literally nothing to do. When I woke up, I did some chores and then watched some tv shows online. I went in town with my mom to do the groceries and we went to dinner. When I got home, I put away my groceries and watched Amazing Race & Apprentice. Clearly today was a chill day, so I'm feeling relaxed after today.
Thursday: 4 days later, and I finally decide to blog again. On Monday, I learned that my mom was leaving the next day and that I was in charge of the store for a week and a half to two weeks. I learned a few things and then hung out with a friend and played Lego Harry Potter and The Sims 3 on XBox. On Tuesday, I had another chill day. I didn't do much. But on Wednesday, I had a short shift and didn't do anything after. Ugh my life is so boring. Take a guess at what I did today... nothing. I just sit on my bed, on my computer... and watch stuff. I need a life lol.
Saturday: I worked on Friday. 11-7. I hate those shifts. After work, I hung out with 2 friends and played some Mario Party again lol. We had a plan to go in a supposed haunted house, but that didn't quite work out. :( We also played some Chubby Bunny (I won!) and tried the saltine cracker challenge (which we all failed at). Today, I worked 2-8:30 and when I got home, I just went on Youtube and watched some videos. My friend from the US told me that we should both go to VidCon and I said... HELL YES!! So, I'm going to talk to my mom about that when she gets back from her vacation and we'll see if I can go. I definitely hope so. :)
Love,
Eric
Thursday: 4 days later, and I finally decide to blog again. On Monday, I learned that my mom was leaving the next day and that I was in charge of the store for a week and a half to two weeks. I learned a few things and then hung out with a friend and played Lego Harry Potter and The Sims 3 on XBox. On Tuesday, I had another chill day. I didn't do much. But on Wednesday, I had a short shift and didn't do anything after. Ugh my life is so boring. Take a guess at what I did today... nothing. I just sit on my bed, on my computer... and watch stuff. I need a life lol.
Saturday: I worked on Friday. 11-7. I hate those shifts. After work, I hung out with 2 friends and played some Mario Party again lol. We had a plan to go in a supposed haunted house, but that didn't quite work out. :( We also played some Chubby Bunny (I won!) and tried the saltine cracker challenge (which we all failed at). Today, I worked 2-8:30 and when I got home, I just went on Youtube and watched some videos. My friend from the US told me that we should both go to VidCon and I said... HELL YES!! So, I'm going to talk to my mom about that when she gets back from her vacation and we'll see if I can go. I definitely hope so. :)
Love,
Eric
Saturday, 28 April 2012
Busy busy busy! - April 28th 2012
Tuesday: I haven't had time to blog in the past two days, so I'll just talk about them today. Sunday, I worked. Once work was done, I went home and didn't do much. I had a talk with my mom and just relaxed for the rest of the day. Monday, I actually didn't do anything during the day either. This is a pretty boring start to the week lol. But, my new semester started, and I have only one class... Spanish. So, I went to class, and the teacher only speaks spanish. WTF! So, I decided to bail during the break, and I went to a friend's to play some Left 4 Dead 2. So, whenever I can, I'm going to actually quit the class so I won't have one single class this semester. YAY!!! Today, I went to pass my G test, which is the last level of driving licensing. I passed!!! Now, with that, I might actually get to keep my license after that whole ticket fiasco. I'm waiting for my pay Thursday before paying the ticket. Now, I gotta study for my Media exam tomorrow. Nervous!!
Saturday: My goodness, this week has been one of the busiest weeks ever!! On Wednesday, I did my Media exam, and I'm pretty sure I did well. After that, I hung out with 2 friends and played some Mario Party 3 and it was pretty awesome. Thursday, I worked till 2 and after work, I paid my 500$ fine. I'm poor as hell now for another 2 weeks. After that, I went to another friend's house and we continued our One Tree Hill marathons. We're now halfway through the sixth season. Almost done! Yesterday, I watched Volume 41 of SHIMMER before work, and then I went to work. After work, I hung out with 3 of my friends and we played Mario Party 2 and then the first one. Today, I watched Volume 42 of SHIMMER and bought the first 2 volumes online. I worked till 8 as well, and when I got home, I watched some tv. I'm glad I'm off tomorrow, so I can enjoy myself.
This week was definitely busy, and I didn't have much time to do much. I'm pretty exhausted. However, I'm in a much better mood than I was last week. I'm not feeling low anymore, and I'm getting better and better. :)
Love,
Eric
Saturday: My goodness, this week has been one of the busiest weeks ever!! On Wednesday, I did my Media exam, and I'm pretty sure I did well. After that, I hung out with 2 friends and played some Mario Party 3 and it was pretty awesome. Thursday, I worked till 2 and after work, I paid my 500$ fine. I'm poor as hell now for another 2 weeks. After that, I went to another friend's house and we continued our One Tree Hill marathons. We're now halfway through the sixth season. Almost done! Yesterday, I watched Volume 41 of SHIMMER before work, and then I went to work. After work, I hung out with 3 of my friends and we played Mario Party 2 and then the first one. Today, I watched Volume 42 of SHIMMER and bought the first 2 volumes online. I worked till 8 as well, and when I got home, I watched some tv. I'm glad I'm off tomorrow, so I can enjoy myself.
This week was definitely busy, and I didn't have much time to do much. I'm pretty exhausted. However, I'm in a much better mood than I was last week. I'm not feeling low anymore, and I'm getting better and better. :)
Love,
Eric
Saturday, 21 April 2012
F*ck the Police - April 21st 2012
Sunday: Basically today was just a day where I stayed home and relaxed. Yesterday I got pulled over by cops because, while they had someone else pulled over, I apparently almost hit one of the cops when I passed by. First of all, I moved halfway through to the other lane, and there was nobody in front of me when I passed. Second of all, he said I was going too fast. Uhm, before actually seeing their lights, I was going 60 in a 60 zone, and I slowed down to 50 while passing them. He was such an ass too, screaming in my face like "YOU SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE"!! Well, I got a 500$ fine, and that means I'm getting 3 demerit points added to my already 10 points, so once I pay that damn fine, I will probably get my license suspended. That's basically what was on my mind all day.
Monday: So, I got an exam tomorrow in my Methods class. I have like a pile of papers to read over and over to get ready. I'm used to having a study partner, but that's not happening in University, so I gotta get used to studying by myself! Hopefully it goes well, it seems pretty easy. That's all I did today, so there really isn't much to say except for the fact that I'm still thinking of my whole "license suspension" problem, and I gotta try to continue living my life with that in the back of my mind at all times. It really sucks, you know that? Also, the weather sucks ass!! It's SNOWING!! I absolutely hate snow. I hate driving when it's snowing. I hate being cold. I just hate the snow.
Tuesday: The first thing that happened this morning... my car gets stuck and I can't even leave the fucking driveway. I was so pissed. I still hate snow. Fuck snow. Anywho, I did my Methods exam. I think it went well... but I'm not sure. I didn't really do much once I got back home. Just watched some tv shows, and stuff. My mom went out of town, so I was home alone.
Wednesday: This morning, I woke up at 7 thinking I was working at 8. The second I was about to leave, I remembered that I had switched my shift. Ugh, went back to bed for 2 hours, then worked 11 to 4. It was actually a really good shift, and I liked who I was working with. Once I get back home, I finally recieved my package. My Brooke Tessmacher banner!!! I'm so excited!! Basically, tonight I studied for my Literature exam. I think it's actually going to be a pretty easy exam, considering it's just an essay. Wish me luck!
Saturday: I haven't been able to blog in a few days, as you can notice. So on Thursday, I did my Literature exam, and it really went well. I also worked before the exam, and I almost got fired. Honestly, this is the worst week of my life. On Friday, I finally had a day off. It felt nice. I basically watched some tv shows in bed all afternoon. After dinner, I went to pick up a few friends for our Friday Night Gaming, and we played Mario Party 2. I definitely felt happy all day, so I'm glad that changed around. Today, I had to get up at 8 am. Working... again. Now, I think I'm going to do some laundry, dishes, and basically just relax in bed. I'm exhausted today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, but I highly doubt it... I have to wake up at 6:30 am because I'm working at 7:30. EW!!!!
Basically this week has been a horrible week. I don't feel like doing anything anymore, I'm just... blah all the time. Depression? I think so. Sigh... Not again. Anyways, I'll be writing another entry next week so be sure to check it out! :)
Love,
Eric
Monday: So, I got an exam tomorrow in my Methods class. I have like a pile of papers to read over and over to get ready. I'm used to having a study partner, but that's not happening in University, so I gotta get used to studying by myself! Hopefully it goes well, it seems pretty easy. That's all I did today, so there really isn't much to say except for the fact that I'm still thinking of my whole "license suspension" problem, and I gotta try to continue living my life with that in the back of my mind at all times. It really sucks, you know that? Also, the weather sucks ass!! It's SNOWING!! I absolutely hate snow. I hate driving when it's snowing. I hate being cold. I just hate the snow.
Tuesday: The first thing that happened this morning... my car gets stuck and I can't even leave the fucking driveway. I was so pissed. I still hate snow. Fuck snow. Anywho, I did my Methods exam. I think it went well... but I'm not sure. I didn't really do much once I got back home. Just watched some tv shows, and stuff. My mom went out of town, so I was home alone.
Wednesday: This morning, I woke up at 7 thinking I was working at 8. The second I was about to leave, I remembered that I had switched my shift. Ugh, went back to bed for 2 hours, then worked 11 to 4. It was actually a really good shift, and I liked who I was working with. Once I get back home, I finally recieved my package. My Brooke Tessmacher banner!!! I'm so excited!! Basically, tonight I studied for my Literature exam. I think it's actually going to be a pretty easy exam, considering it's just an essay. Wish me luck!
Saturday: I haven't been able to blog in a few days, as you can notice. So on Thursday, I did my Literature exam, and it really went well. I also worked before the exam, and I almost got fired. Honestly, this is the worst week of my life. On Friday, I finally had a day off. It felt nice. I basically watched some tv shows in bed all afternoon. After dinner, I went to pick up a few friends for our Friday Night Gaming, and we played Mario Party 2. I definitely felt happy all day, so I'm glad that changed around. Today, I had to get up at 8 am. Working... again. Now, I think I'm going to do some laundry, dishes, and basically just relax in bed. I'm exhausted today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, but I highly doubt it... I have to wake up at 6:30 am because I'm working at 7:30. EW!!!!
Basically this week has been a horrible week. I don't feel like doing anything anymore, I'm just... blah all the time. Depression? I think so. Sigh... Not again. Anyways, I'll be writing another entry next week so be sure to check it out! :)
Love,
Eric
Saturday, 14 April 2012
Introduction
Hello, my name is Eric, I'm 19 years old and I'm a university student. I have a part time job at McDonald's as a cashier. Before I get into a blog, I wanted to post a little introduction.
Basically, if you don't like who I am, then get off my blog. Also, if you get offended easily, it's probably not a good idea to read my weekly thoughts. Everything is going to be said here, and it's not always going to be pretty.
Onto the intro... I'm a pretty normal person, living the life of a student with a part time job. That by itself can be pretty stressful. I am gay, so... if you're a homophobic asshole, leave. I decided to start a blog because I don't feel comfortable talking to people about how I feel since everytime I did, I've always felt like they didn't care and just basically nodded. You know the old "just nod and say yes". Yeah... that.
Writing has always been something that I love to do and I know that venting always helps someone feel better when they need to. That is why I started "Thinking out Loud". :)
Basically, I'm going to write a blog every week talking about how my week went and almost every thought that goes through my head and you guys can read about them!
I hope you decide to follow my blog,
Love,
Eric
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